Entry No#19 Kickboxer from Hell

You gotta hand it to a movie that has 'Kickboxer' in the title, yet shows no kickboxing on the bad box art.. it takes a courageous sort of lunacy to do that. The two oiled up Duran Duran band members slugging it out on the cover don't look as though they're in a particularly well choreographed fight either, but that might be down to the possibility one of them seems to be blind.. I assume his cane and dog are just out of shot.

Apparently this was part of some hideous series that the producers hoped would take off surrounding the kickboxing adventures of some JKVD rip-off who fights for the good and great against various semi-supernatural foes.. sadly for the viewers, while the producers had gone so far into thinking through the concept of a series of films, they had forgotten to consider any coherent plot, characters, motivations.. and had indeed forgotten to actually have anything, you know, filmed, because as it turns out this flick is two wildly differing films spliced together. Bad dubbing, hell that isn't hell, devils that aren't really devils, never ending training sequences and a largely nonsensical plot renders most viewers dumbstruck.. as the IMDb will show..

IMDB Review: This is, without a doubt, the worst thing ever put to film, ever, no exceptions! We rented it, thinking it would be good for a laugh. Any movie with a reflective, shiny box has to have something good in it, right? Wrong!


This movie is actually two movies spliced together. One was filmed in the USA and is the actual movie  and the other is an old Japanese horror flick from the 70's. They are spliced in to one film, but make absolutely no sense together.

Either of these two movies would have been bad, but together, they are mind-numbingly horrible. To top off the atrocity, both films have been over-dubbed so as to create the illusion that it is one movie instead of two (after all, the USA part was done in English, the other, obviously not).

Nothing can prepare you for the onslaught of junk you will be absorbing if you play this tape. Make certain you do not watch this abomination alone. I really can't exaggerate that. 

Beautiful, just beautiful. You can't beat being suckered in by a 'shiny' VHS box! But perhaps the film has some merits?



If you feel mentally strong enough you can watch the rest of this mess on Youtube.. enjoy you sick bastards! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#18 Final Exam

There's bad box art which is insane - a collapsing colon of explosions, helicopters, guns firing, babes and muscle men dancing all over the place.. there's bad box art that simply makes no sense or contradicts what the movie is all about. Then there's bad box art that is plain flat out boring!

Really? They thought.. 'yeah, this represents the movie..this will get people into the cinemas or into the shops to rent it..' I can only assume everyone involved with the design and promotion of this flick was suffering from some form of ocular disease that made shitty look great, because that is the only way I can come to terms with this.

Ugly shade background, terrible font choice and no indication in the box art about what the movie is going to be.. oh sure there's the chick about to stab a guy.. but from this box art alone could you really tell me what the movie is about? Is it a slasher flick? A haunting drama about an abused girl taking revenge on her abuser teacher? The tale of a young woman who makes cakes in the shape of guys and likes to keep them on the floor? The heart warming story of narcoleptic lumberjack who finds love with the local knife saleswoman?

Ok.. so if it's a crappy movie from the '80s.. you can probably guess which one it is...

IMDB Synopsis: In a small college in North Carolina, only a select few students are left to take mid terms. But, when a killer strikes, it could be everyone's final exam.

God damn.. so generic it makes me want to cough up my own lung! Ok, ok.. maybe that description simply doesn't do it justice?..



Oh screw you Final Exam...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#17 Survival Game

Nothing says action like a man in a blouse weilding a plank of wood! Starring Mike 'Hey, you know my dad?' Norris this cheapy little 80's action/martial arts flick taps into that rarely heralded market of lumber-fu. That is, the ability and skill to exercise wood into deadly weapons. Mike's deadly wood will have you all!

The box art sports that good old fashioned store fading we all know and love, plus that scintillating piccy of Mr Norris Jnr and his plank of power. What I love in this non-action shot is the fact they mention Mike Norris at the top, and have another picture of him inset.. because when you've got Mike Norris, you milk it baby!

Love the tagline..it's as if someone thought.. 'Hmm...game.. what's the first cliche about games..rules.. there are no rules! BAM! Pass me that Oscar!'

IMDB Synopsis: Double-crossed by both the gangsters and the police, Michael must use his martial-arts talent to rescue his girlfriend's dad.

Well that's just bad luck, double crossed by the gangsters and the police? Sheesh. Bet this guy doesn't want to get out of bed most days! No clips as far as I can see on Youtube.. but there is a spellbinding performance by Mike Norris recounting his hair transplant process. Seriously. It's probably better than the movie, so thank me.. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#16 Robo Vampire

No, I haven't made this up during one of my opiate hazes.. this was a genuine piece of box art, for a genuine movie, that was made by people who genuinely had 'crazy' stamped across their faces.. Robo Vampire..say it loud it's like music playing, say it soft, it's almost like praying..

First thing to deal with is how in the living hell anyone connected with this flick wasn't sued into oblivion for stealing Robocop for the front of this box art abortion.. they've not even bothered to retouch the image much, perhaps giving the titular character a jaunty smile, yes, but certainly not enough to avoid copyright infringement! And why the hell is Robo Vampire hugging some zombified spice dealer from Turkmenistan?

Gotta love the top screenshot of the guy lifting the bed sheet. 'Like that? Yeah? Well baby, I got one just like it.. but it's robotic! Yeah, I'm gonna go telescopic on your ass!' Why create a Robotic Vampire? And what's with the little guys with blue buckets on their heads?.. why all these questions Robo Vampire!? Why?! No doubt IMDB can clairfy all..

IMDB Synopsis: Narcotics agent Tom Wilde is given a second chance at life after being shot and killed. In a futuristic experiment, agent Wilde is returned to life as an Android Robot. He is sent on a very dangerous mission into the depths of the golden Triangle to rescue Sophie, a beautiful undercover agent who has been captured by the evil drug warlord Mr. Young and his inhuman creation the Vampire Beast.

What..so it's not the robot who's a vampire.. it's the bad guy and his Vampire Beast?.. hmm, still not making much sense.. Hey, Youtube.. you wanna clear this one up?



Oh, screw you then...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#15 Angels Blood Mission

This time I bring to you a two for one.. a rare case where the bad box art spreads from the front, and not unlike some form of fungus, makes it's way to the inside sleeve..

But first let's check out the front. The muddy, muddy front.. Ugly, certainly. Incompetent? Why, yes. It would seem the movie is about a giant blonde commando, (who wears denim shirts and sports two police revolvers for some unknown reason..) who rides atop a shot-up old Buick or some such while a stream of badly realised UFOs scoot about behind him.. oh, and there's an incredibly badly done cross hair about to utterly miss everything in the corner.. love that cross hair, look carefully.. the lines are not even straight, I mean, the designer couldn't afford a ruler? Ok, so yes it's bad.. but not as bad as the abortion that is the inside sleeve..

..you ready?..

..no seriously?..

..it's pretty awful...

..ok, I warned you...

Kapoow!

Drink that in, go on, let every contorted and warped inch of that monster wash over you in a glorious slurry of awful.

Where. To. Begin. You know, it's times like these where pictures really do say a thousand words.. sure I could go on to mock the designer who apparently has never seen a human skeletal or musculature system before, or dabbled in that which we call perspective.. but really, look at that thing again, and simply enjoy... enjoy the naked freak wading through pools of mercury which have corroded away his trousers..enjoy the cartoon arm in the background attached to nothing.. enjoy it all..

Also, there's a guy in a helicopter waving around a light saber..I dont know why..


Now, IMDB fails to bring anything up for this and all I could find in the way of a clip is below..



All kinds of awesome! I mean, not the coherent stunt work and dynamic set pieces kind of awesome.. but most every other kind! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#14 Blood Debts

Did you know that Richard Harrison has four arms? And can barely contain a giggle while blazing away with his collection of amaze-a-tron hand-cannons? The designer of this bad box art did... For this entry it has to be the awful colours that do it for me, the odd technicolour (or should that be 'Eastmancolor') title text and that hideous pastel blue background.

The main central artwork is of course batshit insane, with the usual level of explosions, chicks in danger, guns blasting away and modern cityscapes that festoon any tacky old action flick.. It's not telling me much from the box art about the film, so let's see what IMDB has to say..

IMDB Synopsis: Enjoying a picnic Sarah Collins and her boyfriend are surprised by a gang of juvenile hunters. They rape her and kill him. She escapes and runs to her parents'house but is then shot in front of her father Mark, a wealthy Vietnam Vet. The boys finally wound him seriously and leave. A few months later, being healthy again, Mark manages to find the murderers and kills each of them. He also keeps on walking the streets at night, looking for criminals in action to execute until his wife Yvette convinces him to stop. However, he did not knew that he has been observed by the henchmen of Bill, an enigmatic businessman desiring to crush the local drug syndicate. He orders to kidnap Yvette and forces Mark to continue his work.

Ah - a Death Wish type vigilante clone.. kinda figures from the artwork I guess... what the hell are 'juvenile hunters' though?.. Also, unusual to see a 'wealthy Vietnam vet'.. they're usually punch drunk pyschos in this kind of flick, but I suppose being wealthy will allow him to gather his no-doubt super cool arsenal of weapons with which he takes out the criminals..



Ha! Check out the goofy gun in that trailer, and did you know if you shoot people they spark like faulty electrical goods? Now you know... Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#13 Invasion from the Inner Earth

Wow. Just wow, is this thing an incompetent, ugly mess. Nothing sells a movie more than curious skiers, and the designer of this bad box art knew it! First off let's deal with the obvious use of the blushing Star Trek space ship in the top corner - I'm assuming Gene Roddenberry didn't sign that off.. well, unless Bill Rebane, the Director of this monstrosity, had some naked pictures of him and Spock teabagging or something..

Then there's the tagline: 'Somethings out there. Something evil.' Which makes no sense in relation to the movies freakin' title.. which implies the something evil is coming from.. oh, I don't know.. the inner earth, you know. The earths interior - and therefore not 'out there' but 'in there'. But then again the box art supports the tagline, so perhaps it was an error on the writers part? Who knows.. it's certainly sad when you realise you've given more thought to the films premise than the writer, director or designer did.

IMDB Synopsis: A group of young pilots in a remote region of the Canadian wilderness begin to hear strange reports over their radios about planes crashing, cars stalling and a deadly plague which has gripped the planet. It becomes clear that earth is in the midst of an invasion. The group of pilots decide to barracade themselves in a cabin deep in the woods and wait for their impending doom.

Ah, 'hearing reports over their radios..' so much more cost efficient then filming those incidents that are being reported isn't it? Oh, there's a review too..

''The dialogue is so wooden and the "action" is so contrived that it is a joy to endure. A fan of "Kentucky Fried Movie" and it's ilk, I found this "movie" to be a joy - albeit a painful one. The acting is so terrible and the script so wrong, all the makings of a new "Plan 9". I recommend this movie, watch it and get infected from its "wrongness", really, this movie is so bad, its great.The "hero" of the story brings to mind the lumberjack in the Monty Python skit "The Lumberjack" and the "sister" - well, she is just plain clueless.''

Hmm.. I'm intrigued...



Intrigue has gone. If you want there's further chunks of this flick on Youtube.. which, you know, if you're a sick bastard you can wade through. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.