Entry No#18 Final Exam

There's bad box art which is insane - a collapsing colon of explosions, helicopters, guns firing, babes and muscle men dancing all over the place.. there's bad box art that simply makes no sense or contradicts what the movie is all about. Then there's bad box art that is plain flat out boring!

Really? They thought.. 'yeah, this represents the movie..this will get people into the cinemas or into the shops to rent it..' I can only assume everyone involved with the design and promotion of this flick was suffering from some form of ocular disease that made shitty look great, because that is the only way I can come to terms with this.

Ugly shade background, terrible font choice and no indication in the box art about what the movie is going to be.. oh sure there's the chick about to stab a guy.. but from this box art alone could you really tell me what the movie is about? Is it a slasher flick? A haunting drama about an abused girl taking revenge on her abuser teacher? The tale of a young woman who makes cakes in the shape of guys and likes to keep them on the floor? The heart warming story of narcoleptic lumberjack who finds love with the local knife saleswoman?

Ok.. so if it's a crappy movie from the '80s.. you can probably guess which one it is...

IMDB Synopsis: In a small college in North Carolina, only a select few students are left to take mid terms. But, when a killer strikes, it could be everyone's final exam.

God damn.. so generic it makes me want to cough up my own lung! Ok, ok.. maybe that description simply doesn't do it justice?..



Oh screw you Final Exam...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#17 Survival Game

Nothing says action like a man in a blouse weilding a plank of wood! Starring Mike 'Hey, you know my dad?' Norris this cheapy little 80's action/martial arts flick taps into that rarely heralded market of lumber-fu. That is, the ability and skill to exercise wood into deadly weapons. Mike's deadly wood will have you all!

The box art sports that good old fashioned store fading we all know and love, plus that scintillating piccy of Mr Norris Jnr and his plank of power. What I love in this non-action shot is the fact they mention Mike Norris at the top, and have another picture of him inset.. because when you've got Mike Norris, you milk it baby!

Love the tagline..it's as if someone thought.. 'Hmm...game.. what's the first cliche about games..rules.. there are no rules! BAM! Pass me that Oscar!'

IMDB Synopsis: Double-crossed by both the gangsters and the police, Michael must use his martial-arts talent to rescue his girlfriend's dad.

Well that's just bad luck, double crossed by the gangsters and the police? Sheesh. Bet this guy doesn't want to get out of bed most days! No clips as far as I can see on Youtube.. but there is a spellbinding performance by Mike Norris recounting his hair transplant process. Seriously. It's probably better than the movie, so thank me.. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#16 Robo Vampire

No, I haven't made this up during one of my opiate hazes.. this was a genuine piece of box art, for a genuine movie, that was made by people who genuinely had 'crazy' stamped across their faces.. Robo Vampire..say it loud it's like music playing, say it soft, it's almost like praying..

First thing to deal with is how in the living hell anyone connected with this flick wasn't sued into oblivion for stealing Robocop for the front of this box art abortion.. they've not even bothered to retouch the image much, perhaps giving the titular character a jaunty smile, yes, but certainly not enough to avoid copyright infringement! And why the hell is Robo Vampire hugging some zombified spice dealer from Turkmenistan?

Gotta love the top screenshot of the guy lifting the bed sheet. 'Like that? Yeah? Well baby, I got one just like it.. but it's robotic! Yeah, I'm gonna go telescopic on your ass!' Why create a Robotic Vampire? And what's with the little guys with blue buckets on their heads?.. why all these questions Robo Vampire!? Why?! No doubt IMDB can clairfy all..

IMDB Synopsis: Narcotics agent Tom Wilde is given a second chance at life after being shot and killed. In a futuristic experiment, agent Wilde is returned to life as an Android Robot. He is sent on a very dangerous mission into the depths of the golden Triangle to rescue Sophie, a beautiful undercover agent who has been captured by the evil drug warlord Mr. Young and his inhuman creation the Vampire Beast.

What..so it's not the robot who's a vampire.. it's the bad guy and his Vampire Beast?.. hmm, still not making much sense.. Hey, Youtube.. you wanna clear this one up?



Oh, screw you then...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#15 Angels Blood Mission

This time I bring to you a two for one.. a rare case where the bad box art spreads from the front, and not unlike some form of fungus, makes it's way to the inside sleeve..

But first let's check out the front. The muddy, muddy front.. Ugly, certainly. Incompetent? Why, yes. It would seem the movie is about a giant blonde commando, (who wears denim shirts and sports two police revolvers for some unknown reason..) who rides atop a shot-up old Buick or some such while a stream of badly realised UFOs scoot about behind him.. oh, and there's an incredibly badly done cross hair about to utterly miss everything in the corner.. love that cross hair, look carefully.. the lines are not even straight, I mean, the designer couldn't afford a ruler? Ok, so yes it's bad.. but not as bad as the abortion that is the inside sleeve..

..you ready?..

..no seriously?..

..it's pretty awful...

..ok, I warned you...

Kapoow!

Drink that in, go on, let every contorted and warped inch of that monster wash over you in a glorious slurry of awful.

Where. To. Begin. You know, it's times like these where pictures really do say a thousand words.. sure I could go on to mock the designer who apparently has never seen a human skeletal or musculature system before, or dabbled in that which we call perspective.. but really, look at that thing again, and simply enjoy... enjoy the naked freak wading through pools of mercury which have corroded away his trousers..enjoy the cartoon arm in the background attached to nothing.. enjoy it all..

Also, there's a guy in a helicopter waving around a light saber..I dont know why..


Now, IMDB fails to bring anything up for this and all I could find in the way of a clip is below..



All kinds of awesome! I mean, not the coherent stunt work and dynamic set pieces kind of awesome.. but most every other kind! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#14 Blood Debts

Did you know that Richard Harrison has four arms? And can barely contain a giggle while blazing away with his collection of amaze-a-tron hand-cannons? The designer of this bad box art did... For this entry it has to be the awful colours that do it for me, the odd technicolour (or should that be 'Eastmancolor') title text and that hideous pastel blue background.

The main central artwork is of course batshit insane, with the usual level of explosions, chicks in danger, guns blasting away and modern cityscapes that festoon any tacky old action flick.. It's not telling me much from the box art about the film, so let's see what IMDB has to say..

IMDB Synopsis: Enjoying a picnic Sarah Collins and her boyfriend are surprised by a gang of juvenile hunters. They rape her and kill him. She escapes and runs to her parents'house but is then shot in front of her father Mark, a wealthy Vietnam Vet. The boys finally wound him seriously and leave. A few months later, being healthy again, Mark manages to find the murderers and kills each of them. He also keeps on walking the streets at night, looking for criminals in action to execute until his wife Yvette convinces him to stop. However, he did not knew that he has been observed by the henchmen of Bill, an enigmatic businessman desiring to crush the local drug syndicate. He orders to kidnap Yvette and forces Mark to continue his work.

Ah - a Death Wish type vigilante clone.. kinda figures from the artwork I guess... what the hell are 'juvenile hunters' though?.. Also, unusual to see a 'wealthy Vietnam vet'.. they're usually punch drunk pyschos in this kind of flick, but I suppose being wealthy will allow him to gather his no-doubt super cool arsenal of weapons with which he takes out the criminals..



Ha! Check out the goofy gun in that trailer, and did you know if you shoot people they spark like faulty electrical goods? Now you know... Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#12 The killing of Satan

Well, well, well.. looks like someone cut and paste some Frank Frazetta artwork onto some childs depiction of Tom Selleck attacking a ghost lady with an over-large rail spike. I hope that Frazetta demon was stolen, and not actually signed off by him to be used. That would be sad indeed...

Ok, the usual store fading on this one but it's a classic example of the 'more is more' principle. I can imagine the designer talking the producers through his particular box art masterpiece..'We got the devil.. he's a big ass dude, but that's not enough.. throw in a serpent, a rabid dog.. and um.. a mummy! And a shape-changing pixie-creature ghost-woman! Yeah! Pass me the Ketamin..'

Love the tagline.. 'What power should a man possess to challenge the prince of darkness?' Well, quick answer. None. But forget this.. lets see what the film is all about..

IMDB Synopsis: A Filipino-made horror-fantasy movie about a man who is chosen by his dead uncle to battle the forces of evil. He fights a being called "The Prince of Magic," who shoots rays from his hands, makes heads spin around and hypnotizes people. He finally faces Satan himself and engages him in a battle of magic.

Haha, you crazy Filipino bastards.. I guess the title 'The killing of the Prince of Magic' doesn't have the same ring does it. The origin would explain the ripping off of Frazetta's artwork, as no-one cares less for the copyright laws then those crazy, crazy orientals.. Well. Sounds like this could be a pulse-pounding thrill a minute heart-stopper of a flick! Let's see!



Oh you beautiful, crazy bastards... I salute you! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 09 Robot Ninja

Sometimes you see some box art that simply stops you in your tracks.. something so bad, so shoddy that you can't believe it exists. Especially when you consider the seemingly indestructable excellence of the film it's for:  'Robot Ninja'. Sounds like some internet 'meme' doesn't it? And if you try searching 'robot ninja' on Youtube you get all kinds of knowing, tongue-in-cheek bullshit homemade stuff. But no, this was made in 1989. The 80's. Damn you the 80's!

Where to begin.. well..let's glance at the meaingless taglines shall we. 'The ultimate super-hero of the future has arrived.' Ok, so he's not in the future then. He's arrived. He's here.. whatever, this makes my head hurt. Also, 'Tonight, he's deadlier than ever..' Implying..what? Yesterday he was trying to fight crime from a bath? With his hands taped together? With a sock over his head? Yeah, he was awful yesterday.. today however! Ohhh baby!

Then there's the artwork itself. Sweet jesus, look at that thing. Looks like it was cribbed from the 'Trancers' box artwork by some blind half-wit with barely functioning hand to eye coordination. The 'Shredder' style blades coupled with the muddly, fingerless fist..the sci-fi type hockey mask face. Truly bad. Truly awful. Well, perhaps the plot is good?

IMDB Synopsis: Leonard Miller is a frustrated artist. His publisher and his agent are out to capitalize on the blooming success of "Robot Ninja," the greatest costumed superhero since Batman! One night, Miller witnesses the brutal rape/murder of a young couple at the hands of ruthless thugs. He cries out for revenge! With the help of an inventor friend, Dr. Goodknight, Miller becomes the Robot Ninja, stalking the dark streets of Ridgway, intent on spilling some blood! The only thing stopping him is a remorseful Goodknight and a frustrated local cop that's always just one step behind him. ROBOT NINJA slashes, stabs, guts, pokes and jabs his way through body after body until his final confrontation with head baddie Sanchez. You'll never see comic books the same way again!

Ok. So it's a gore fest then? Hmm, seems something like 'Robot Ninja' could haven been something a little more kitsch and fun.. but that's only the synopsis...perhaps it's an undiscovered cult gem?



Oh. Ok. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 08 Accidents

Accidents, 1988, Tagline: 'Some things are made to happen'. So. Not accidents then...
The box art for Accidents shines resplendent with cliche and ugliness.. All it needs is a helicopter exploding in one of the corners to make it even more craptastically 80's. The good old cross-hatching touch to the side, the oiled up vest-wearing soldier rocking his shotgun and faintly sci-fi font all scream the decade that taste forgot.

So, what's this movie all about? Is it about carelessly placed banana skins and roller skates on stairs? Nope.

IMDB Synopsis: A research scientist discovers that his project is being secretly adapted for use by the military. When he objects, his co-workers start to die in mysterious accidents.

A scientist finds his project is going to be used by the eeeeevvviill military?! What a concept, what a breath taking chance-taker the screen writer must be! I love the guy in the white coat on the cover too, looks like he's doing some Monty Python Ministry of Silly Walks routine..

Sadly no Youtube trailer I could find to drop in the post, but let's see what the female lead of the movie, Leigh Taylor-Young has been up to since the movie..



Oh. Ok. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 06 Savage Island

No we're talking! When I was a young fresh faced lad scanning the racks of my local video rental place this is exactly the kind of cover that would have enticed me in..

Composition wise this is firmly an 80's cover - the cross-hatch background with the vague neon glow of the off-centre main picture all scream 80's. Plus of course the blonde beach babe for some reason bursting out of the main image, which doesn't make much sense, but what the hell. Exotic locales, exotic women, 'Savage' in the title and a babe coming at me with an Uzi! And Linda Blair is in it!

This has to be quality, right?

IMDB Synopsis: Women who have been captured and sold as slave labor to a South American emerald mine hatch a plan for revolution and revenge.

Oh right, so this is like one of those prison movies, but set in some generic South American jungle.. didn't Linda Blair make a prison movie or two? Caged Heat or something.. Caged Fury.. Caged Muff Diving?..something like that. Anyway, with Linda Blair in it it's got to be good, right?



Oh.
Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 02 Snake Eater

Ahh, Lorenzo you manly man you. He may like to eat snakes, but he loves to sniff his gun.. In this doggedly 80's action flick box art we see B-movie regular Lorenzo Lamas bare his impressive tattoo so the bad guys know who's in charge. What's the betting that his character's name is something like 'Steel' or 'Colt'.. perhaps 'Fist'? Also, what's the betting that he's a renegrade loner who doesn't actually eat any snakes in the movie?.

IMDB synopsis: The Snake Eaters are an elite division of the Marines especially trained for search and destroy missions. This actioner chronicles the exploits of one of them who has become a cop. Known as a tough loner, he returns to find the band of backwoods bad-guys who killed his parents and abducted his sister.

Oh, my bad.. not a renegrade loner, a tough loner.. my mistake for trying to second guess the writers originality! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.