Entry No#17 Survival Game

Nothing says action like a man in a blouse weilding a plank of wood! Starring Mike 'Hey, you know my dad?' Norris this cheapy little 80's action/martial arts flick taps into that rarely heralded market of lumber-fu. That is, the ability and skill to exercise wood into deadly weapons. Mike's deadly wood will have you all!

The box art sports that good old fashioned store fading we all know and love, plus that scintillating piccy of Mr Norris Jnr and his plank of power. What I love in this non-action shot is the fact they mention Mike Norris at the top, and have another picture of him inset.. because when you've got Mike Norris, you milk it baby!

Love the tagline..it's as if someone thought.. 'Hmm...game.. what's the first cliche about games..rules.. there are no rules! BAM! Pass me that Oscar!'

IMDB Synopsis: Double-crossed by both the gangsters and the police, Michael must use his martial-arts talent to rescue his girlfriend's dad.

Well that's just bad luck, double crossed by the gangsters and the police? Sheesh. Bet this guy doesn't want to get out of bed most days! No clips as far as I can see on Youtube.. but there is a spellbinding performance by Mike Norris recounting his hair transplant process. Seriously. It's probably better than the movie, so thank me.. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#16 Robo Vampire

No, I haven't made this up during one of my opiate hazes.. this was a genuine piece of box art, for a genuine movie, that was made by people who genuinely had 'crazy' stamped across their faces.. Robo Vampire..say it loud it's like music playing, say it soft, it's almost like praying..

First thing to deal with is how in the living hell anyone connected with this flick wasn't sued into oblivion for stealing Robocop for the front of this box art abortion.. they've not even bothered to retouch the image much, perhaps giving the titular character a jaunty smile, yes, but certainly not enough to avoid copyright infringement! And why the hell is Robo Vampire hugging some zombified spice dealer from Turkmenistan?

Gotta love the top screenshot of the guy lifting the bed sheet. 'Like that? Yeah? Well baby, I got one just like it.. but it's robotic! Yeah, I'm gonna go telescopic on your ass!' Why create a Robotic Vampire? And what's with the little guys with blue buckets on their heads?.. why all these questions Robo Vampire!? Why?! No doubt IMDB can clairfy all..

IMDB Synopsis: Narcotics agent Tom Wilde is given a second chance at life after being shot and killed. In a futuristic experiment, agent Wilde is returned to life as an Android Robot. He is sent on a very dangerous mission into the depths of the golden Triangle to rescue Sophie, a beautiful undercover agent who has been captured by the evil drug warlord Mr. Young and his inhuman creation the Vampire Beast.

What..so it's not the robot who's a vampire.. it's the bad guy and his Vampire Beast?.. hmm, still not making much sense.. Hey, Youtube.. you wanna clear this one up?



Oh, screw you then...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#15 Angels Blood Mission

This time I bring to you a two for one.. a rare case where the bad box art spreads from the front, and not unlike some form of fungus, makes it's way to the inside sleeve..

But first let's check out the front. The muddy, muddy front.. Ugly, certainly. Incompetent? Why, yes. It would seem the movie is about a giant blonde commando, (who wears denim shirts and sports two police revolvers for some unknown reason..) who rides atop a shot-up old Buick or some such while a stream of badly realised UFOs scoot about behind him.. oh, and there's an incredibly badly done cross hair about to utterly miss everything in the corner.. love that cross hair, look carefully.. the lines are not even straight, I mean, the designer couldn't afford a ruler? Ok, so yes it's bad.. but not as bad as the abortion that is the inside sleeve..

..you ready?..

..no seriously?..

..it's pretty awful...

..ok, I warned you...

Kapoow!

Drink that in, go on, let every contorted and warped inch of that monster wash over you in a glorious slurry of awful.

Where. To. Begin. You know, it's times like these where pictures really do say a thousand words.. sure I could go on to mock the designer who apparently has never seen a human skeletal or musculature system before, or dabbled in that which we call perspective.. but really, look at that thing again, and simply enjoy... enjoy the naked freak wading through pools of mercury which have corroded away his trousers..enjoy the cartoon arm in the background attached to nothing.. enjoy it all..

Also, there's a guy in a helicopter waving around a light saber..I dont know why..


Now, IMDB fails to bring anything up for this and all I could find in the way of a clip is below..



All kinds of awesome! I mean, not the coherent stunt work and dynamic set pieces kind of awesome.. but most every other kind! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#14 Blood Debts

Did you know that Richard Harrison has four arms? And can barely contain a giggle while blazing away with his collection of amaze-a-tron hand-cannons? The designer of this bad box art did... For this entry it has to be the awful colours that do it for me, the odd technicolour (or should that be 'Eastmancolor') title text and that hideous pastel blue background.

The main central artwork is of course batshit insane, with the usual level of explosions, chicks in danger, guns blasting away and modern cityscapes that festoon any tacky old action flick.. It's not telling me much from the box art about the film, so let's see what IMDB has to say..

IMDB Synopsis: Enjoying a picnic Sarah Collins and her boyfriend are surprised by a gang of juvenile hunters. They rape her and kill him. She escapes and runs to her parents'house but is then shot in front of her father Mark, a wealthy Vietnam Vet. The boys finally wound him seriously and leave. A few months later, being healthy again, Mark manages to find the murderers and kills each of them. He also keeps on walking the streets at night, looking for criminals in action to execute until his wife Yvette convinces him to stop. However, he did not knew that he has been observed by the henchmen of Bill, an enigmatic businessman desiring to crush the local drug syndicate. He orders to kidnap Yvette and forces Mark to continue his work.

Ah - a Death Wish type vigilante clone.. kinda figures from the artwork I guess... what the hell are 'juvenile hunters' though?.. Also, unusual to see a 'wealthy Vietnam vet'.. they're usually punch drunk pyschos in this kind of flick, but I suppose being wealthy will allow him to gather his no-doubt super cool arsenal of weapons with which he takes out the criminals..



Ha! Check out the goofy gun in that trailer, and did you know if you shoot people they spark like faulty electrical goods? Now you know... Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#13 Invasion from the Inner Earth

Wow. Just wow, is this thing an incompetent, ugly mess. Nothing sells a movie more than curious skiers, and the designer of this bad box art knew it! First off let's deal with the obvious use of the blushing Star Trek space ship in the top corner - I'm assuming Gene Roddenberry didn't sign that off.. well, unless Bill Rebane, the Director of this monstrosity, had some naked pictures of him and Spock teabagging or something..

Then there's the tagline: 'Somethings out there. Something evil.' Which makes no sense in relation to the movies freakin' title.. which implies the something evil is coming from.. oh, I don't know.. the inner earth, you know. The earths interior - and therefore not 'out there' but 'in there'. But then again the box art supports the tagline, so perhaps it was an error on the writers part? Who knows.. it's certainly sad when you realise you've given more thought to the films premise than the writer, director or designer did.

IMDB Synopsis: A group of young pilots in a remote region of the Canadian wilderness begin to hear strange reports over their radios about planes crashing, cars stalling and a deadly plague which has gripped the planet. It becomes clear that earth is in the midst of an invasion. The group of pilots decide to barracade themselves in a cabin deep in the woods and wait for their impending doom.

Ah, 'hearing reports over their radios..' so much more cost efficient then filming those incidents that are being reported isn't it? Oh, there's a review too..

''The dialogue is so wooden and the "action" is so contrived that it is a joy to endure. A fan of "Kentucky Fried Movie" and it's ilk, I found this "movie" to be a joy - albeit a painful one. The acting is so terrible and the script so wrong, all the makings of a new "Plan 9". I recommend this movie, watch it and get infected from its "wrongness", really, this movie is so bad, its great.The "hero" of the story brings to mind the lumberjack in the Monty Python skit "The Lumberjack" and the "sister" - well, she is just plain clueless.''

Hmm.. I'm intrigued...



Intrigue has gone. If you want there's further chunks of this flick on Youtube.. which, you know, if you're a sick bastard you can wade through. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#12 The killing of Satan

Well, well, well.. looks like someone cut and paste some Frank Frazetta artwork onto some childs depiction of Tom Selleck attacking a ghost lady with an over-large rail spike. I hope that Frazetta demon was stolen, and not actually signed off by him to be used. That would be sad indeed...

Ok, the usual store fading on this one but it's a classic example of the 'more is more' principle. I can imagine the designer talking the producers through his particular box art masterpiece..'We got the devil.. he's a big ass dude, but that's not enough.. throw in a serpent, a rabid dog.. and um.. a mummy! And a shape-changing pixie-creature ghost-woman! Yeah! Pass me the Ketamin..'

Love the tagline.. 'What power should a man possess to challenge the prince of darkness?' Well, quick answer. None. But forget this.. lets see what the film is all about..

IMDB Synopsis: A Filipino-made horror-fantasy movie about a man who is chosen by his dead uncle to battle the forces of evil. He fights a being called "The Prince of Magic," who shoots rays from his hands, makes heads spin around and hypnotizes people. He finally faces Satan himself and engages him in a battle of magic.

Haha, you crazy Filipino bastards.. I guess the title 'The killing of the Prince of Magic' doesn't have the same ring does it. The origin would explain the ripping off of Frazetta's artwork, as no-one cares less for the copyright laws then those crazy, crazy orientals.. Well. Sounds like this could be a pulse-pounding thrill a minute heart-stopper of a flick! Let's see!



Oh you beautiful, crazy bastards... I salute you! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#11 Wolfman

'Oh man, I'm sorry.. did I go rip out your throat.. gee whizz.. sorry Mister.. It's just, you know, I'm sorta, you know, the Wolfman an' all..' Apologetic. Not a word you associate with any film that has anything to do with Wolfmen or Werewolves.. but apparently this still shot cribbed from the on-set photographer was thought to perfectly represent the intense carnal ferocity of the films subject matter.

You can imagine this Wolfman clearing his throat into a balled fist as he shuffles on his feet before attacking unsuspecting victims. God, what a sad-sack...

IMDB Synopsis: After the death of his Father, Colin Glasgow (Earl Owensby) finds out that his Father and Grandfather were cursed and that they were Werewolves. And now Colin discovers that he also has the curse and he is a werewolf too and he must stop a Satanic Reverend who put the curse on him and his family.

Tsk, isn't it always the way with those Satanic reverends, cursing your family all up? Sheesh.. This has to go in the 'incredibly weak' catagory, and makes you wonder what box art they turned down before settling on this?! A kitten in a Brandy glass? Two rabbits snuggling?

No Youtube trailer or clips as far as I can see.. so screw it, have this instead...



Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#10 Americana

Ah yes, nothing quite screams cinematic masterpiece like Che Guevara craddling a unicorn while some hippies settle in a field behind a large UFO. You 'auteur' Carradine. You mad, glorious bastard.

Well, I know this one suffers from the perennial problem of 'video store fading' but it's got to take the biscuit for the most curious..and possibly insane.. box art for a movie I've seen for a while. Of course it'll all make sense in the context of the film...

IMDB Synopsis: In a small town in rural Kansas, a troubled veteran attempts to restore an old merry-go-round ride.

Well now it all makes total sense. The unicorn, the UFO, the hippies.. yeah, now they've explained it I feel like a bit of a jack ass...

Troubled veterans are always the best ain't they?

Just once I'd like to see a war veteran who ain't a troubled living-on-the-edge type who could snap at any moment and Uzi down a street of people.. hmm, on second thoughts, that would make for rather a dull film...Well Carradine, you got me interested.. lets see what else we can find..



Probably not a God awful film, but that box art sure is ugly. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 09 Robot Ninja

Sometimes you see some box art that simply stops you in your tracks.. something so bad, so shoddy that you can't believe it exists. Especially when you consider the seemingly indestructable excellence of the film it's for:  'Robot Ninja'. Sounds like some internet 'meme' doesn't it? And if you try searching 'robot ninja' on Youtube you get all kinds of knowing, tongue-in-cheek bullshit homemade stuff. But no, this was made in 1989. The 80's. Damn you the 80's!

Where to begin.. well..let's glance at the meaingless taglines shall we. 'The ultimate super-hero of the future has arrived.' Ok, so he's not in the future then. He's arrived. He's here.. whatever, this makes my head hurt. Also, 'Tonight, he's deadlier than ever..' Implying..what? Yesterday he was trying to fight crime from a bath? With his hands taped together? With a sock over his head? Yeah, he was awful yesterday.. today however! Ohhh baby!

Then there's the artwork itself. Sweet jesus, look at that thing. Looks like it was cribbed from the 'Trancers' box artwork by some blind half-wit with barely functioning hand to eye coordination. The 'Shredder' style blades coupled with the muddly, fingerless fist..the sci-fi type hockey mask face. Truly bad. Truly awful. Well, perhaps the plot is good?

IMDB Synopsis: Leonard Miller is a frustrated artist. His publisher and his agent are out to capitalize on the blooming success of "Robot Ninja," the greatest costumed superhero since Batman! One night, Miller witnesses the brutal rape/murder of a young couple at the hands of ruthless thugs. He cries out for revenge! With the help of an inventor friend, Dr. Goodknight, Miller becomes the Robot Ninja, stalking the dark streets of Ridgway, intent on spilling some blood! The only thing stopping him is a remorseful Goodknight and a frustrated local cop that's always just one step behind him. ROBOT NINJA slashes, stabs, guts, pokes and jabs his way through body after body until his final confrontation with head baddie Sanchez. You'll never see comic books the same way again!

Ok. So it's a gore fest then? Hmm, seems something like 'Robot Ninja' could haven been something a little more kitsch and fun.. but that's only the synopsis...perhaps it's an undiscovered cult gem?



Oh. Ok. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 08 Accidents

Accidents, 1988, Tagline: 'Some things are made to happen'. So. Not accidents then...
The box art for Accidents shines resplendent with cliche and ugliness.. All it needs is a helicopter exploding in one of the corners to make it even more craptastically 80's. The good old cross-hatching touch to the side, the oiled up vest-wearing soldier rocking his shotgun and faintly sci-fi font all scream the decade that taste forgot.

So, what's this movie all about? Is it about carelessly placed banana skins and roller skates on stairs? Nope.

IMDB Synopsis: A research scientist discovers that his project is being secretly adapted for use by the military. When he objects, his co-workers start to die in mysterious accidents.

A scientist finds his project is going to be used by the eeeeevvviill military?! What a concept, what a breath taking chance-taker the screen writer must be! I love the guy in the white coat on the cover too, looks like he's doing some Monty Python Ministry of Silly Walks routine..

Sadly no Youtube trailer I could find to drop in the post, but let's see what the female lead of the movie, Leigh Taylor-Young has been up to since the movie..



Oh. Ok. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 07 The Van

A Van. And Danny DeVito. What more could you possibly want from a movie? I mean, how many times have you sat watching a movie and thought to yourself, 'You know - these special effects are astounding, and the complex emotional conflict inherent in the storyline is like no other - but it's missing two things. Danny DeVito....and a van!'

Not that you'd know it from the bad box art but 'The Van' is a softcore romp movie in the screwball 70's style, and barely even features Mr DeVito.. certainly not enough to warrant the massive floating head treatment for the artwork anyway...love his expression, it sort of says 'sorry..I'm not really in this movie..'

IMDB Synopsis: Bobby is a shy Los Angeles teenager who buys a sleek chevy van for himself to impress, pick up, and seduce various teenage girls to spruce up his dull life while trying to get money by drag racing other vans to finance operating it.

This film was made a year or so before Danny's star turn in Taxi - so it's obvious why they used him to promote it.. but man, it's ugly.

And no, he doesn't play 'Bobby.' That role went to the future music editor for 'Hello Kitty's Furry Tale Theater', Stuart Goetz.



Wow - that is kinda one cool van.. I can only assume Danny DeVito was hidden in the trunk though...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.