Entry No#13 Invasion from the Inner Earth

Wow. Just wow, is this thing an incompetent, ugly mess. Nothing sells a movie more than curious skiers, and the designer of this bad box art knew it! First off let's deal with the obvious use of the blushing Star Trek space ship in the top corner - I'm assuming Gene Roddenberry didn't sign that off.. well, unless Bill Rebane, the Director of this monstrosity, had some naked pictures of him and Spock teabagging or something..

Then there's the tagline: 'Somethings out there. Something evil.' Which makes no sense in relation to the movies freakin' title.. which implies the something evil is coming from.. oh, I don't know.. the inner earth, you know. The earths interior - and therefore not 'out there' but 'in there'. But then again the box art supports the tagline, so perhaps it was an error on the writers part? Who knows.. it's certainly sad when you realise you've given more thought to the films premise than the writer, director or designer did.

IMDB Synopsis: A group of young pilots in a remote region of the Canadian wilderness begin to hear strange reports over their radios about planes crashing, cars stalling and a deadly plague which has gripped the planet. It becomes clear that earth is in the midst of an invasion. The group of pilots decide to barracade themselves in a cabin deep in the woods and wait for their impending doom.

Ah, 'hearing reports over their radios..' so much more cost efficient then filming those incidents that are being reported isn't it? Oh, there's a review too..

''The dialogue is so wooden and the "action" is so contrived that it is a joy to endure. A fan of "Kentucky Fried Movie" and it's ilk, I found this "movie" to be a joy - albeit a painful one. The acting is so terrible and the script so wrong, all the makings of a new "Plan 9". I recommend this movie, watch it and get infected from its "wrongness", really, this movie is so bad, its great.The "hero" of the story brings to mind the lumberjack in the Monty Python skit "The Lumberjack" and the "sister" - well, she is just plain clueless.''

Hmm.. I'm intrigued...



Intrigue has gone. If you want there's further chunks of this flick on Youtube.. which, you know, if you're a sick bastard you can wade through. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#11 Wolfman

'Oh man, I'm sorry.. did I go rip out your throat.. gee whizz.. sorry Mister.. It's just, you know, I'm sorta, you know, the Wolfman an' all..' Apologetic. Not a word you associate with any film that has anything to do with Wolfmen or Werewolves.. but apparently this still shot cribbed from the on-set photographer was thought to perfectly represent the intense carnal ferocity of the films subject matter.

You can imagine this Wolfman clearing his throat into a balled fist as he shuffles on his feet before attacking unsuspecting victims. God, what a sad-sack...

IMDB Synopsis: After the death of his Father, Colin Glasgow (Earl Owensby) finds out that his Father and Grandfather were cursed and that they were Werewolves. And now Colin discovers that he also has the curse and he is a werewolf too and he must stop a Satanic Reverend who put the curse on him and his family.

Tsk, isn't it always the way with those Satanic reverends, cursing your family all up? Sheesh.. This has to go in the 'incredibly weak' catagory, and makes you wonder what box art they turned down before settling on this?! A kitten in a Brandy glass? Two rabbits snuggling?

No Youtube trailer or clips as far as I can see.. so screw it, have this instead...



Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#10 Americana

Ah yes, nothing quite screams cinematic masterpiece like Che Guevara craddling a unicorn while some hippies settle in a field behind a large UFO. You 'auteur' Carradine. You mad, glorious bastard.

Well, I know this one suffers from the perennial problem of 'video store fading' but it's got to take the biscuit for the most curious..and possibly insane.. box art for a movie I've seen for a while. Of course it'll all make sense in the context of the film...

IMDB Synopsis: In a small town in rural Kansas, a troubled veteran attempts to restore an old merry-go-round ride.

Well now it all makes total sense. The unicorn, the UFO, the hippies.. yeah, now they've explained it I feel like a bit of a jack ass...

Troubled veterans are always the best ain't they?

Just once I'd like to see a war veteran who ain't a troubled living-on-the-edge type who could snap at any moment and Uzi down a street of people.. hmm, on second thoughts, that would make for rather a dull film...Well Carradine, you got me interested.. lets see what else we can find..



Probably not a God awful film, but that box art sure is ugly. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 07 The Van

A Van. And Danny DeVito. What more could you possibly want from a movie? I mean, how many times have you sat watching a movie and thought to yourself, 'You know - these special effects are astounding, and the complex emotional conflict inherent in the storyline is like no other - but it's missing two things. Danny DeVito....and a van!'

Not that you'd know it from the bad box art but 'The Van' is a softcore romp movie in the screwball 70's style, and barely even features Mr DeVito.. certainly not enough to warrant the massive floating head treatment for the artwork anyway...love his expression, it sort of says 'sorry..I'm not really in this movie..'

IMDB Synopsis: Bobby is a shy Los Angeles teenager who buys a sleek chevy van for himself to impress, pick up, and seduce various teenage girls to spruce up his dull life while trying to get money by drag racing other vans to finance operating it.

This film was made a year or so before Danny's star turn in Taxi - so it's obvious why they used him to promote it.. but man, it's ugly.

And no, he doesn't play 'Bobby.' That role went to the future music editor for 'Hello Kitty's Furry Tale Theater', Stuart Goetz.



Wow - that is kinda one cool van.. I can only assume Danny DeVito was hidden in the trunk though...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 05 Project: Kill

Leslie Neilsen before he was 'fart-machine-don't-call-me-Shirley' Leslie Neilsen in what looks like a cheap chop-socky thriller about mind-control or some such. This is one ugly piece of box art, featuring Mr Neilsen brandishing a BB gun and hugging a man, while Nancy Kwan looks on, perturbed. What's with the squares background? Or is Leslie waving his gun around in a toilet stall? 'Pass me the soap, or die! For I am programmed to kill - BUT OUT OF CONTROL!'

IMDB Synopsis: John Trevor escapes from the military base where he commanded Project: Kill, a mind control experiment that used drugs to create bodyguards and assassins for the United States and makes his way to the Philippines. Soon Trevor finds himself in love with Lee Su and feeling the with drawl symptoms from the drugs for the mind control that make him very dangerous not only to himself but everyone around him.

His former second in command Project: Kill agent Frank Lassiter has been ordered to find him before the with drawl effects become too violent and before he sells out the program. Asian mobster Alok Lee is also after Trevor in the hopes of getting the secrets of Project: Kill. Time is running out for Trevor as the with drawl becomes worse, Lassiter, the Philippine police, and Lee's men close in on him.

Ah, the Philippines.. where else would a mind-controlled commander of a top-secret military operation to create assassins for the US go? Bit of luck it's cheap to film there too...



Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 04 Death Cheaters

Ok, now this one is just pure ugly. Yes, I'm sure there's been a decent amount of fading on the original colours, but either way that does not excuse the hideous composition and execution! It doesn't exactly draw you into the plot either does it? Perhaps the story is that of a sad freak of nature who was born with a helicopter instead of a left arm, and now spends his days hovering about town trying in vain to gun down criminals like some kind of gyro-coptic superhero.. let's call him 'Helicopter Boy'.. or 'Chopper Dude'.

IMDB synopsis: None. But a review..
''This is a fun movie provided it's not to taken too seriously.The plot is essentially an excuse to string together some great stunts that were quite high tech and breathtaking for their day. Abseiling down the side of the Sydney Hilton Hotel, dune buggy racing in a suburban shopping mall, and great pyrotechnics are just some of the many things you'll see. The film seems somewhat dated by todays standards, but still very enjoyable to watch.''
 
So no Chopper Dude? Pity - think they missed out there...