Entry No#19 Kickboxer from Hell

You gotta hand it to a movie that has 'Kickboxer' in the title, yet shows no kickboxing on the bad box art.. it takes a courageous sort of lunacy to do that. The two oiled up Duran Duran band members slugging it out on the cover don't look as though they're in a particularly well choreographed fight either, but that might be down to the possibility one of them seems to be blind.. I assume his cane and dog are just out of shot.

Apparently this was part of some hideous series that the producers hoped would take off surrounding the kickboxing adventures of some JKVD rip-off who fights for the good and great against various semi-supernatural foes.. sadly for the viewers, while the producers had gone so far into thinking through the concept of a series of films, they had forgotten to consider any coherent plot, characters, motivations.. and had indeed forgotten to actually have anything, you know, filmed, because as it turns out this flick is two wildly differing films spliced together. Bad dubbing, hell that isn't hell, devils that aren't really devils, never ending training sequences and a largely nonsensical plot renders most viewers dumbstruck.. as the IMDb will show..

IMDB Review: This is, without a doubt, the worst thing ever put to film, ever, no exceptions! We rented it, thinking it would be good for a laugh. Any movie with a reflective, shiny box has to have something good in it, right? Wrong!


This movie is actually two movies spliced together. One was filmed in the USA and is the actual movie  and the other is an old Japanese horror flick from the 70's. They are spliced in to one film, but make absolutely no sense together.

Either of these two movies would have been bad, but together, they are mind-numbingly horrible. To top off the atrocity, both films have been over-dubbed so as to create the illusion that it is one movie instead of two (after all, the USA part was done in English, the other, obviously not).

Nothing can prepare you for the onslaught of junk you will be absorbing if you play this tape. Make certain you do not watch this abomination alone. I really can't exaggerate that. 

Beautiful, just beautiful. You can't beat being suckered in by a 'shiny' VHS box! But perhaps the film has some merits?



If you feel mentally strong enough you can watch the rest of this mess on Youtube.. enjoy you sick bastards! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#18 Final Exam

There's bad box art which is insane - a collapsing colon of explosions, helicopters, guns firing, babes and muscle men dancing all over the place.. there's bad box art that simply makes no sense or contradicts what the movie is all about. Then there's bad box art that is plain flat out boring!

Really? They thought.. 'yeah, this represents the movie..this will get people into the cinemas or into the shops to rent it..' I can only assume everyone involved with the design and promotion of this flick was suffering from some form of ocular disease that made shitty look great, because that is the only way I can come to terms with this.

Ugly shade background, terrible font choice and no indication in the box art about what the movie is going to be.. oh sure there's the chick about to stab a guy.. but from this box art alone could you really tell me what the movie is about? Is it a slasher flick? A haunting drama about an abused girl taking revenge on her abuser teacher? The tale of a young woman who makes cakes in the shape of guys and likes to keep them on the floor? The heart warming story of narcoleptic lumberjack who finds love with the local knife saleswoman?

Ok.. so if it's a crappy movie from the '80s.. you can probably guess which one it is...

IMDB Synopsis: In a small college in North Carolina, only a select few students are left to take mid terms. But, when a killer strikes, it could be everyone's final exam.

God damn.. so generic it makes me want to cough up my own lung! Ok, ok.. maybe that description simply doesn't do it justice?..



Oh screw you Final Exam...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#17 Survival Game

Nothing says action like a man in a blouse weilding a plank of wood! Starring Mike 'Hey, you know my dad?' Norris this cheapy little 80's action/martial arts flick taps into that rarely heralded market of lumber-fu. That is, the ability and skill to exercise wood into deadly weapons. Mike's deadly wood will have you all!

The box art sports that good old fashioned store fading we all know and love, plus that scintillating piccy of Mr Norris Jnr and his plank of power. What I love in this non-action shot is the fact they mention Mike Norris at the top, and have another picture of him inset.. because when you've got Mike Norris, you milk it baby!

Love the tagline..it's as if someone thought.. 'Hmm...game.. what's the first cliche about games..rules.. there are no rules! BAM! Pass me that Oscar!'

IMDB Synopsis: Double-crossed by both the gangsters and the police, Michael must use his martial-arts talent to rescue his girlfriend's dad.

Well that's just bad luck, double crossed by the gangsters and the police? Sheesh. Bet this guy doesn't want to get out of bed most days! No clips as far as I can see on Youtube.. but there is a spellbinding performance by Mike Norris recounting his hair transplant process. Seriously. It's probably better than the movie, so thank me.. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#16 Robo Vampire

No, I haven't made this up during one of my opiate hazes.. this was a genuine piece of box art, for a genuine movie, that was made by people who genuinely had 'crazy' stamped across their faces.. Robo Vampire..say it loud it's like music playing, say it soft, it's almost like praying..

First thing to deal with is how in the living hell anyone connected with this flick wasn't sued into oblivion for stealing Robocop for the front of this box art abortion.. they've not even bothered to retouch the image much, perhaps giving the titular character a jaunty smile, yes, but certainly not enough to avoid copyright infringement! And why the hell is Robo Vampire hugging some zombified spice dealer from Turkmenistan?

Gotta love the top screenshot of the guy lifting the bed sheet. 'Like that? Yeah? Well baby, I got one just like it.. but it's robotic! Yeah, I'm gonna go telescopic on your ass!' Why create a Robotic Vampire? And what's with the little guys with blue buckets on their heads?.. why all these questions Robo Vampire!? Why?! No doubt IMDB can clairfy all..

IMDB Synopsis: Narcotics agent Tom Wilde is given a second chance at life after being shot and killed. In a futuristic experiment, agent Wilde is returned to life as an Android Robot. He is sent on a very dangerous mission into the depths of the golden Triangle to rescue Sophie, a beautiful undercover agent who has been captured by the evil drug warlord Mr. Young and his inhuman creation the Vampire Beast.

What..so it's not the robot who's a vampire.. it's the bad guy and his Vampire Beast?.. hmm, still not making much sense.. Hey, Youtube.. you wanna clear this one up?



Oh, screw you then...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#15 Angels Blood Mission

This time I bring to you a two for one.. a rare case where the bad box art spreads from the front, and not unlike some form of fungus, makes it's way to the inside sleeve..

But first let's check out the front. The muddy, muddy front.. Ugly, certainly. Incompetent? Why, yes. It would seem the movie is about a giant blonde commando, (who wears denim shirts and sports two police revolvers for some unknown reason..) who rides atop a shot-up old Buick or some such while a stream of badly realised UFOs scoot about behind him.. oh, and there's an incredibly badly done cross hair about to utterly miss everything in the corner.. love that cross hair, look carefully.. the lines are not even straight, I mean, the designer couldn't afford a ruler? Ok, so yes it's bad.. but not as bad as the abortion that is the inside sleeve..

..you ready?..

..no seriously?..

..it's pretty awful...

..ok, I warned you...

Kapoow!

Drink that in, go on, let every contorted and warped inch of that monster wash over you in a glorious slurry of awful.

Where. To. Begin. You know, it's times like these where pictures really do say a thousand words.. sure I could go on to mock the designer who apparently has never seen a human skeletal or musculature system before, or dabbled in that which we call perspective.. but really, look at that thing again, and simply enjoy... enjoy the naked freak wading through pools of mercury which have corroded away his trousers..enjoy the cartoon arm in the background attached to nothing.. enjoy it all..

Also, there's a guy in a helicopter waving around a light saber..I dont know why..


Now, IMDB fails to bring anything up for this and all I could find in the way of a clip is below..



All kinds of awesome! I mean, not the coherent stunt work and dynamic set pieces kind of awesome.. but most every other kind! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#14 Blood Debts

Did you know that Richard Harrison has four arms? And can barely contain a giggle while blazing away with his collection of amaze-a-tron hand-cannons? The designer of this bad box art did... For this entry it has to be the awful colours that do it for me, the odd technicolour (or should that be 'Eastmancolor') title text and that hideous pastel blue background.

The main central artwork is of course batshit insane, with the usual level of explosions, chicks in danger, guns blasting away and modern cityscapes that festoon any tacky old action flick.. It's not telling me much from the box art about the film, so let's see what IMDB has to say..

IMDB Synopsis: Enjoying a picnic Sarah Collins and her boyfriend are surprised by a gang of juvenile hunters. They rape her and kill him. She escapes and runs to her parents'house but is then shot in front of her father Mark, a wealthy Vietnam Vet. The boys finally wound him seriously and leave. A few months later, being healthy again, Mark manages to find the murderers and kills each of them. He also keeps on walking the streets at night, looking for criminals in action to execute until his wife Yvette convinces him to stop. However, he did not knew that he has been observed by the henchmen of Bill, an enigmatic businessman desiring to crush the local drug syndicate. He orders to kidnap Yvette and forces Mark to continue his work.

Ah - a Death Wish type vigilante clone.. kinda figures from the artwork I guess... what the hell are 'juvenile hunters' though?.. Also, unusual to see a 'wealthy Vietnam vet'.. they're usually punch drunk pyschos in this kind of flick, but I suppose being wealthy will allow him to gather his no-doubt super cool arsenal of weapons with which he takes out the criminals..



Ha! Check out the goofy gun in that trailer, and did you know if you shoot people they spark like faulty electrical goods? Now you know... Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#13 Invasion from the Inner Earth

Wow. Just wow, is this thing an incompetent, ugly mess. Nothing sells a movie more than curious skiers, and the designer of this bad box art knew it! First off let's deal with the obvious use of the blushing Star Trek space ship in the top corner - I'm assuming Gene Roddenberry didn't sign that off.. well, unless Bill Rebane, the Director of this monstrosity, had some naked pictures of him and Spock teabagging or something..

Then there's the tagline: 'Somethings out there. Something evil.' Which makes no sense in relation to the movies freakin' title.. which implies the something evil is coming from.. oh, I don't know.. the inner earth, you know. The earths interior - and therefore not 'out there' but 'in there'. But then again the box art supports the tagline, so perhaps it was an error on the writers part? Who knows.. it's certainly sad when you realise you've given more thought to the films premise than the writer, director or designer did.

IMDB Synopsis: A group of young pilots in a remote region of the Canadian wilderness begin to hear strange reports over their radios about planes crashing, cars stalling and a deadly plague which has gripped the planet. It becomes clear that earth is in the midst of an invasion. The group of pilots decide to barracade themselves in a cabin deep in the woods and wait for their impending doom.

Ah, 'hearing reports over their radios..' so much more cost efficient then filming those incidents that are being reported isn't it? Oh, there's a review too..

''The dialogue is so wooden and the "action" is so contrived that it is a joy to endure. A fan of "Kentucky Fried Movie" and it's ilk, I found this "movie" to be a joy - albeit a painful one. The acting is so terrible and the script so wrong, all the makings of a new "Plan 9". I recommend this movie, watch it and get infected from its "wrongness", really, this movie is so bad, its great.The "hero" of the story brings to mind the lumberjack in the Monty Python skit "The Lumberjack" and the "sister" - well, she is just plain clueless.''

Hmm.. I'm intrigued...



Intrigue has gone. If you want there's further chunks of this flick on Youtube.. which, you know, if you're a sick bastard you can wade through. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No#11 Wolfman

'Oh man, I'm sorry.. did I go rip out your throat.. gee whizz.. sorry Mister.. It's just, you know, I'm sorta, you know, the Wolfman an' all..' Apologetic. Not a word you associate with any film that has anything to do with Wolfmen or Werewolves.. but apparently this still shot cribbed from the on-set photographer was thought to perfectly represent the intense carnal ferocity of the films subject matter.

You can imagine this Wolfman clearing his throat into a balled fist as he shuffles on his feet before attacking unsuspecting victims. God, what a sad-sack...

IMDB Synopsis: After the death of his Father, Colin Glasgow (Earl Owensby) finds out that his Father and Grandfather were cursed and that they were Werewolves. And now Colin discovers that he also has the curse and he is a werewolf too and he must stop a Satanic Reverend who put the curse on him and his family.

Tsk, isn't it always the way with those Satanic reverends, cursing your family all up? Sheesh.. This has to go in the 'incredibly weak' catagory, and makes you wonder what box art they turned down before settling on this?! A kitten in a Brandy glass? Two rabbits snuggling?

No Youtube trailer or clips as far as I can see.. so screw it, have this instead...



Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 09 Robot Ninja

Sometimes you see some box art that simply stops you in your tracks.. something so bad, so shoddy that you can't believe it exists. Especially when you consider the seemingly indestructable excellence of the film it's for:  'Robot Ninja'. Sounds like some internet 'meme' doesn't it? And if you try searching 'robot ninja' on Youtube you get all kinds of knowing, tongue-in-cheek bullshit homemade stuff. But no, this was made in 1989. The 80's. Damn you the 80's!

Where to begin.. well..let's glance at the meaingless taglines shall we. 'The ultimate super-hero of the future has arrived.' Ok, so he's not in the future then. He's arrived. He's here.. whatever, this makes my head hurt. Also, 'Tonight, he's deadlier than ever..' Implying..what? Yesterday he was trying to fight crime from a bath? With his hands taped together? With a sock over his head? Yeah, he was awful yesterday.. today however! Ohhh baby!

Then there's the artwork itself. Sweet jesus, look at that thing. Looks like it was cribbed from the 'Trancers' box artwork by some blind half-wit with barely functioning hand to eye coordination. The 'Shredder' style blades coupled with the muddly, fingerless fist..the sci-fi type hockey mask face. Truly bad. Truly awful. Well, perhaps the plot is good?

IMDB Synopsis: Leonard Miller is a frustrated artist. His publisher and his agent are out to capitalize on the blooming success of "Robot Ninja," the greatest costumed superhero since Batman! One night, Miller witnesses the brutal rape/murder of a young couple at the hands of ruthless thugs. He cries out for revenge! With the help of an inventor friend, Dr. Goodknight, Miller becomes the Robot Ninja, stalking the dark streets of Ridgway, intent on spilling some blood! The only thing stopping him is a remorseful Goodknight and a frustrated local cop that's always just one step behind him. ROBOT NINJA slashes, stabs, guts, pokes and jabs his way through body after body until his final confrontation with head baddie Sanchez. You'll never see comic books the same way again!

Ok. So it's a gore fest then? Hmm, seems something like 'Robot Ninja' could haven been something a little more kitsch and fun.. but that's only the synopsis...perhaps it's an undiscovered cult gem?



Oh. Ok. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 08 Accidents

Accidents, 1988, Tagline: 'Some things are made to happen'. So. Not accidents then...
The box art for Accidents shines resplendent with cliche and ugliness.. All it needs is a helicopter exploding in one of the corners to make it even more craptastically 80's. The good old cross-hatching touch to the side, the oiled up vest-wearing soldier rocking his shotgun and faintly sci-fi font all scream the decade that taste forgot.

So, what's this movie all about? Is it about carelessly placed banana skins and roller skates on stairs? Nope.

IMDB Synopsis: A research scientist discovers that his project is being secretly adapted for use by the military. When he objects, his co-workers start to die in mysterious accidents.

A scientist finds his project is going to be used by the eeeeevvviill military?! What a concept, what a breath taking chance-taker the screen writer must be! I love the guy in the white coat on the cover too, looks like he's doing some Monty Python Ministry of Silly Walks routine..

Sadly no Youtube trailer I could find to drop in the post, but let's see what the female lead of the movie, Leigh Taylor-Young has been up to since the movie..



Oh. Ok. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 05 Project: Kill

Leslie Neilsen before he was 'fart-machine-don't-call-me-Shirley' Leslie Neilsen in what looks like a cheap chop-socky thriller about mind-control or some such. This is one ugly piece of box art, featuring Mr Neilsen brandishing a BB gun and hugging a man, while Nancy Kwan looks on, perturbed. What's with the squares background? Or is Leslie waving his gun around in a toilet stall? 'Pass me the soap, or die! For I am programmed to kill - BUT OUT OF CONTROL!'

IMDB Synopsis: John Trevor escapes from the military base where he commanded Project: Kill, a mind control experiment that used drugs to create bodyguards and assassins for the United States and makes his way to the Philippines. Soon Trevor finds himself in love with Lee Su and feeling the with drawl symptoms from the drugs for the mind control that make him very dangerous not only to himself but everyone around him.

His former second in command Project: Kill agent Frank Lassiter has been ordered to find him before the with drawl effects become too violent and before he sells out the program. Asian mobster Alok Lee is also after Trevor in the hopes of getting the secrets of Project: Kill. Time is running out for Trevor as the with drawl becomes worse, Lassiter, the Philippine police, and Lee's men close in on him.

Ah, the Philippines.. where else would a mind-controlled commander of a top-secret military operation to create assassins for the US go? Bit of luck it's cheap to film there too...



Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 04 Death Cheaters

Ok, now this one is just pure ugly. Yes, I'm sure there's been a decent amount of fading on the original colours, but either way that does not excuse the hideous composition and execution! It doesn't exactly draw you into the plot either does it? Perhaps the story is that of a sad freak of nature who was born with a helicopter instead of a left arm, and now spends his days hovering about town trying in vain to gun down criminals like some kind of gyro-coptic superhero.. let's call him 'Helicopter Boy'.. or 'Chopper Dude'.

IMDB synopsis: None. But a review..
''This is a fun movie provided it's not to taken too seriously.The plot is essentially an excuse to string together some great stunts that were quite high tech and breathtaking for their day. Abseiling down the side of the Sydney Hilton Hotel, dune buggy racing in a suburban shopping mall, and great pyrotechnics are just some of the many things you'll see. The film seems somewhat dated by todays standards, but still very enjoyable to watch.''
 
So no Chopper Dude? Pity - think they missed out there...

Entry No# 03 Fist of Glory

Sweet God. I mean, sweet God.. I can't tell if the bandana wearing guys head has been Photoshopped on or not.. but either way this has to be one of the most derivative box artworks I've seen for a while. Explosions? Check. Guns? Check. Soldiers? Check. Military-esque 'Stencil' Font?. Check. The only saving grace, if you can call it that is the unintentionally hilarious title. Perhaps a new tagline would help.. 'Fist of Glory - elbow deep in the apocalypse'.. or 'Fist of Glory - Uncle Sam's gonna wear you like a flesh glove!'

IMDB synopsis: Nope. But there is a review...
''What the hell is this movie supposed to be? The first thirty minutes were of soldiers fighting in Vietnam. It featured some of the worst action sequences ever. People died before explosions went off, every NVA soldier was willing to drop his gun, and participate in some karate fighting, and like the Japanese in bad WWII movies, the Vietmanese soldiers had American weapons and vehicles. Aside from the crap action, the setting sucked as well. It was extremely obvious the movie was filmed in a forest on the northern seaboard.

The next forty minutes were just plain crap. A soldier returns to Vietnam, to visit an old friend still their. The remainder of the movie has some dumb plot about drug dealers and guns.

This movie was terrible. The acting, setting, plot, characters, and everything else sucked. Don't bother even looking at the box. It you saw it and thought it was an underrated Vietnam action movie, slap yourself.''
 
Seems the flick lives up to it's awful box art then.. Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Entry No# 02 Snake Eater

Ahh, Lorenzo you manly man you. He may like to eat snakes, but he loves to sniff his gun.. In this doggedly 80's action flick box art we see B-movie regular Lorenzo Lamas bare his impressive tattoo so the bad guys know who's in charge. What's the betting that his character's name is something like 'Steel' or 'Colt'.. perhaps 'Fist'? Also, what's the betting that he's a renegrade loner who doesn't actually eat any snakes in the movie?.

IMDB synopsis: The Snake Eaters are an elite division of the Marines especially trained for search and destroy missions. This actioner chronicles the exploits of one of them who has become a cop. Known as a tough loner, he returns to find the band of backwoods bad-guys who killed his parents and abducted his sister.

Oh, my bad.. not a renegrade loner, a tough loner.. my mistake for trying to second guess the writers originality! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.