Monday 5 July 2010

Entry No#19 Kickboxer from Hell

You gotta hand it to a movie that has 'Kickboxer' in the title, yet shows no kickboxing on the bad box art.. it takes a courageous sort of lunacy to do that. The two oiled up Duran Duran band members slugging it out on the cover don't look as though they're in a particularly well choreographed fight either, but that might be down to the possibility one of them seems to be blind.. I assume his cane and dog are just out of shot.

Apparently this was part of some hideous series that the producers hoped would take off surrounding the kickboxing adventures of some JKVD rip-off who fights for the good and great against various semi-supernatural foes.. sadly for the viewers, while the producers had gone so far into thinking through the concept of a series of films, they had forgotten to consider any coherent plot, characters, motivations.. and had indeed forgotten to actually have anything, you know, filmed, because as it turns out this flick is two wildly differing films spliced together. Bad dubbing, hell that isn't hell, devils that aren't really devils, never ending training sequences and a largely nonsensical plot renders most viewers dumbstruck.. as the IMDb will show..

IMDB Review: This is, without a doubt, the worst thing ever put to film, ever, no exceptions! We rented it, thinking it would be good for a laugh. Any movie with a reflective, shiny box has to have something good in it, right? Wrong!


This movie is actually two movies spliced together. One was filmed in the USA and is the actual movie  and the other is an old Japanese horror flick from the 70's. They are spliced in to one film, but make absolutely no sense together.

Either of these two movies would have been bad, but together, they are mind-numbingly horrible. To top off the atrocity, both films have been over-dubbed so as to create the illusion that it is one movie instead of two (after all, the USA part was done in English, the other, obviously not).

Nothing can prepare you for the onslaught of junk you will be absorbing if you play this tape. Make certain you do not watch this abomination alone. I really can't exaggerate that. 

Beautiful, just beautiful. You can't beat being suckered in by a 'shiny' VHS box! But perhaps the film has some merits?



If you feel mentally strong enough you can watch the rest of this mess on Youtube.. enjoy you sick bastards! Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.

Thursday 1 July 2010

Entry No#18 Final Exam

There's bad box art which is insane - a collapsing colon of explosions, helicopters, guns firing, babes and muscle men dancing all over the place.. there's bad box art that simply makes no sense or contradicts what the movie is all about. Then there's bad box art that is plain flat out boring!

Really? They thought.. 'yeah, this represents the movie..this will get people into the cinemas or into the shops to rent it..' I can only assume everyone involved with the design and promotion of this flick was suffering from some form of ocular disease that made shitty look great, because that is the only way I can come to terms with this.

Ugly shade background, terrible font choice and no indication in the box art about what the movie is going to be.. oh sure there's the chick about to stab a guy.. but from this box art alone could you really tell me what the movie is about? Is it a slasher flick? A haunting drama about an abused girl taking revenge on her abuser teacher? The tale of a young woman who makes cakes in the shape of guys and likes to keep them on the floor? The heart warming story of narcoleptic lumberjack who finds love with the local knife saleswoman?

Ok.. so if it's a crappy movie from the '80s.. you can probably guess which one it is...

IMDB Synopsis: In a small college in North Carolina, only a select few students are left to take mid terms. But, when a killer strikes, it could be everyone's final exam.

God damn.. so generic it makes me want to cough up my own lung! Ok, ok.. maybe that description simply doesn't do it justice?..



Oh screw you Final Exam...Seen the movie? Know something about it? Drop a comment below.